Wha' Happened #8 (@ Kansas City & Washington, v.s. Philadelphia & Detroit)

Look out ladies!

Game 57
Twins 3 - Royals 0
Right after we honored him as Mr. Peanut for the past two weeks, Ryan Doumit kept it going all Magic Mike Style, bringing sexy back as only he can.

Or like one other person can...because Samuel De-dude-bro joined in the party, rockin' the Royals like it ain't no thang. Proving that the Doumit/Deduno Combo plate is dangerous to opponents...not to mention, the ladies...

Game 58
Royals 4 - Twins 1
In an effort to make games faster, the Twins and Royals agreed to decide the outcome of the game in the first inning. Making Daniel Lough's RBI double the difference maker. Unfortunately, they were still forced to play 9. [Cue sad trombone]

Game 59
Royals 7 - Twins 3
I was all set to make another Mike Pelfrey crack since he gave up a one run lead in the sixth (as per the usual), but he ended up not giving up the go ahead run (an honor that went to Jared Burton instead). So it's progress! Let's have some celebratory Nickleback for Mike Pelfrey!!


Game 60
(Rained out)
There was a real honest-to-goodness hurricane near Washington DC Friday. So not playing was probably a wise choice (though Aaron Hicks did miss a chance to be sucked up and plopped down in the magical land of Oz..instead that happened on Sunday when he got injured)

Game 61
Twins 4- Nationals 3
I recapped this game in my previous post about being a brother. But I'll just add this in a special aside to Nationals' fans. Ryan Doumit does not like being called "donut", your ineffective jeering was justly punished.

Ball Park Food Haiku: Nationals Dog

Preparation, Expectation, Joy

Oh, it's still just a hot dog

like laws, don't show me.

Game 60 (Replay of Friday's Rain-out)
Nationals 7 - Twins 0
The Twins were able to update their scouting report on the Nationals' starter after the game. It now reads: "Jordan Zimmerman can pitch baseballs very, very well. :( "

Game 62
Nationals 5 - Twins 4
This series was the first reunion of the Twins with their favorite centerfield ninja of years gone by: Denard Span! There were plenty of laughs, lots of smiles, a few choice hummings of our "Save Big Money at Denard's jingle" and plenty of great bonding (not unlike the previous road trip's bonding with Carlos Gomez).

But sadly, Denard. So perhaps we shouldn't have been surprised when he tripled in the tying run and finished the series with a 6/13 (.465) record against Twins pitching. But really, Denard, did you have to kitana slash Aaron Hicks' hammy? Oh, right you're a ninja, you probably did have to.

does play for another team now, and he continues to have this crazy fixation with "playing well"

Game 63
Twins 3 - Phillies 2


Speaking of former Centerfielders: Ben Revere returned to town with his new team the Phillies at the start of the week! (Also Delmon Young returned...[crickets chirping])

Meanwhile Justin Morneau decided to once again bring the badassery back to the batters box. By encouraging Josh Willingham and Oswaldo Arcia to join him in a Double-Hitting-Conga-Line, then swatting a game winning single in the 8th. Bravo Mr. Hotpants, bravo.

Game 64
Twins 4 - Phillies 3
The first game that both Mrs. Peanut and I were able to attend together this season was a mixed bag. The couple innings of drizzle were less than cool. Mike Pelfrey surprisingly lasting six whole innings was alright. But our easy winner for Thing of the Day: Eduardo Escobar walking to the plate to "You're the One that I Want" from Grease. You have to be a whole lot of something to get pumped up by that song.

Additionally, special kudos to game hero, Clete Thomas. Most people assume that Clete is short for Cletus...but in reality it's short for Cletington Aberforth Thomas VI. (I know this because once I called him "Cletington" he started getting hits.

BallPark Food Haiku: Cabrito (Goat) Butter Burger w/Roasted Tomatoes, Onions and Pickles

Soft and subtle meat

Fresh veggies singing for you

Wow...that price is right

Game 65
Phillies 3 - Twins 2
Once upon a time, in 2010, the Minnesota Twins wanted a starting pitcher and really liked a young man with the Seattle Mariners named Cliff Lee. Cliff Lee was strong. Cliff Lee was tough. Cliff Lee had a record for not caring about big cities or major contracts (having gone from Cleveland to Philadelphia to Seattle with a smile on his face). So the Twins set out to get Cliff Lee offering top prospect Wilson Ramos for him...the Mariners said no. Cliff Lee went to Texas and took them to the World Series. The Twins got Carl Pavano and got bounced in the first round of the playoffs (again).

Carl Pavano is out of the majors. The Twins have had two 90 loss seasons in a row. And Cliff Lee is still awesome (as evidenced by his strong performance this night).

This has been another random story that some people think indicates the Twins' incompetence, but is actually just a set of facts.

Game 66
Tigers 4 - Twins 0
Despite the many fevered protests of Ron Gardenhire, the umpires refused to count every inning but the sixth and the Twins were thusly shut out. We cannot confirm at this time whether or not the umpires commented on how adorable Gardy gets when he's angry. "Like an apopleptic garden gnome! Just SO CUTE!!" Crew Chief John Hirshbeck is reported to maybe have said.

Game 67
Twins 6 - Tigers 3

Annabelle Sanchez

The Twins roughed up Anibal Sanchez and Darrin Downs en route to win against the division leaders. Meanwhile, in Bert Blyleven's mind "Annabelle" Sanchez was on the mound for the Tigers, because apparently "Ann-i-ball" is too phonetically difficult. Once Sanchez left the game early, this may have been what Annabelle wrote in his diary.

Dear Diary,
Oh my stars, how utterly horrid I feel today. I fear I have caught the shoulder vapors from that flying contraption Colonel Leyland insisted we use to come to Minnesota. But I musn't let the Colonel know, he frets so!  I long for a return to my beloved Comerica Park, with its bushes and fountains and parasoles gaily dotting the seats. These Minnesotans are so unsporting! Rather than offering me a sun hat, or a glass of lemonade they made me throw a ball around like an animal! I simply had to leave the mound, even though it was a fine day, I couldn't stand the cruel barbs that Canadian Savage, "Morneau" I think it was?, hurled at me on the field. I shall try to regain my composure, but I'm simply too frail to endure these epithets. Heavens me, diary!

Annabelle

This has been another Bert Blyleven mispronunciation induced goof-off session.

Game 68
Tigers 5 - Twins 2
The Twins clearly felt the pressure of impressing their dad's on Father's day, though it couldn't possibly have been as intimidating as trying to please the most withholding father of all time: Tywin Lannister.

Unimpressed.

A sampling of Tywin-esque dad responses to Twins players
"Of course I thought you pitched well, Samuel...it's just that Doug Fister was better than you in every conceivable way...also you probably killed your mother and ruined my life."
"Yes, that was a nice home run Brian. But it wasn't a game winning home run now was it. So it might as well have been a strike out. Also, you probably killed your mother and ruined my life."
"No, Cletington I don't care about your RBI. I'm a little busy winning a war, running a nation and gutting this elk for our barbecue. Run along and play your little games with your prostitutes."
etc.

P.s. Congratulations to former Twin and long time Peanut favorite Torii Hunter on his 300th homerun!

Mr. Peanut: Glen Perkins (It's partly a function of his job, but he's not giving up leads...so that's a plus!)
Nutty-Buddy: Scott Diamond (Hey, Scott, Remember when you were the only good thing last year...we have more good things this year...be one of them)

Adopt a Prospect II.3: Dange-atunity!!

It's time for Lesson Number 3 in our off-brand self-help seminar: Derestraining a Force Inside You. A series of motivational messages directed specifically at Twins AAA reliever Luis Perdomo.

Remember this word Luis!

危机

What's that? You don't speak Mandarin? Oh...well if you did you'd be really impressed. You see, that's the traditional symbol for "crisis" in Mandarin pronounced "Weiji". It combines two other words "danger" and "opportunity" and that's what we want you to think about now Luis: Danger/Opportunity

You see...you're at a dangerous point in your career. You're 29 years old on a minor league pitching staff where the average age is 27. You've been having the kind of season that got you released from your last organization. The franchise you play for just drafted 17 guys (including some 10 years your junior) all intent on taking your job. It may well be a crisis, but it can also be an opportunity.

It's an opportunity to show that you can respond to the pressure. It's an opportunity to show that you are still the man who was impressive enough to move up from AA to the majors last season. It's an opportunity to rebound from adversity and put together your greatest performance yet. But it's unlikely to happen, so it's also a crisis.

That's the lesson today Luis. Treat every dangerous situation as an opportunity and every opportunity as dangerous. It's the only way to respond to pressure and assert your dominance. 

Numbers Don't Count: Draft Analysis...in five words or less

It's that time once again, every year we "analyze" the Twins drafting decisions by summarizing the strengths and weaknesses of players. Rather than do that with any depth, direction or purpose (which is soooooo not our style), we rapidly blurt out 5 words and pass them off as "analysis" or "humorous"..hopefully you agree (and appreciate my endless attempts to reinvigorate the cliched "never give up on lefties)

Thanks to the many fine folks at Twins Daily who compiled this list Apologies for the overuse of bold type...I can't figure out how to fix the formatting

Right Handed Pitchers

1-4 Kohl Stewart--Please bubble-wrap your arm

Last year we drafted two
Jacksonville U Dolphins
This year, two Seton Hall Pirates
Keep the Dolphins in Line!

2-43 Ryan Eades--#2 Starter our #2 option
5-140 Aaron Slegers--Hoosier's already won @ Target Field!
7-200 Brian Gilbert--1 of 2 Seton Hall-ers WHEE PIRATES!!!
10-290 Charles Irby--Former DH versatile in bullpen
12-350 Ethan Mildren--Part of righty stockpile
13-380 Brandon Peterson--Big strong closer > puny starters
17-500 Tanner Mandonca--@TanTheMan13...12 other guys had that?
19-560 Jared Wilson--another part of righty stockpile
21-620 Tyler Stirewalt--Also the Fresno State QB...?
23-680 Zack Hayden--Terry Ryan: Stockpiler or Hoarder?
26-770 Ryan Halstead--Draft 2 Hoosiers, Get 1 FREE!!
27-800 Taylor Blatch--Wiry...lean...MY NEW BUDDY!

29-860 Logan Shore--Signability questions...still gets offer
31-920 AJ Bogucki--Easily Best Name of Draftees
36-1070 Joseph Greenfield--Dropped 14 rounds from 2012
38-1130 Javier Salas--17 Righties? That's a hoard

The offer to Logan Shore...one he can't refuse

Sorry Li'l Joe
Derrick's With us Now

Left Handed Pitchers

15-440 Derrick Penilla--TC Bear > Li'l Joe Mountie!
16-470 Brandon Bixler--Becomes Alliterative Roomies w/Byron Buxton
24-710 Brandon Easton--Lakeland Laker...leaves for LA
28-830 Chris Erwin--Hey, Leftie Give-uppers! YOU LOSE!
35-1040 Nick Lemoncelli--My Grandma Loves Lemoncelli's Limoncello
39-1160 Seth Wagner--Attended Dunder Mifflin HS (PA)

Infielders

3-78 Stuart Turner, C--Someone's gotta catch those pitchers
6-170 Brian Navarreto, C--A couple someones actually...
8-230 Dustin DeMuth, 3B--Umpire Dana DeMuth's gotta favorite!

9-260 Mitchel Garver, C--ALREADY SIGNED, Get him sideburns!
11-320 Nelson Molina, MI--No relation to Alfred...sadly...
18-530 Ryan Walker, SS--Big Texan...where's the scrappy infielder?
22-650 Alex Swim, C--Might prefer pool to diamond
30-890 Tanner Vavra, 2B--Hoping he can hit
32-950 Carlos Avila, SS--5'11"...close enough..."HE'S SCRAPPY!"

Now he would be a good infielder

Outfielders

Granite's old boss...
Looks like Terry Ryan

14-410 Zack Granite--Played Outfield for Slate Quarry
20-590 Jason Kanzler--@Jason Kanzler likes "moderate amounts of fun"
25-740 Chad Christianson--Congrats! You can leave Nebraska!
33-980 Steven Sensley--"OMG! OUTFIELDERS!!"--Twins Draft room
34-1010 Ivory Thomas--My wigs are purest outfielder...
37-1100 Julien Service--A Quebec Finance Service?
40-1190 Kelly Starness--Check-out line impulse buy

Only time will tell who, if any of these players makes it to the majors, but in the mean time, you can vote for you favorite dumb joke in the poll on the right, and in so doing express your hope that one of these young men beat the long odds and makes it to the majors

Brothers

I made plans for this weekend. I bought tickets to the Twins and the Nationals on Saturday, three of them. One for me, one for my older brother, and one for my eldest niece (2 years and 8 months as of Monday). I flew out right after giving students their last exam, and--with essays to grade on my tray table--got quietly more and more excited about the prospect of baseball with my family.

This morning I went with said niece and my brother to the Air and Space Museum, enjoying my time as Uncle Silly Face (apparently my goatee has earned derision both in my classroom and in my family). We saw the LEM, the plane that broke the sound barrier, touched some moon rock and wen through Skylab three times (astronaut food--very exciting stuff to a two-year-old). Returning home I started to get supremely giddy, we would all get a nap, and then, we'd go to the ball game.

Sadly one of us needed a little more nap time than the others (hint: it wasn't one of the boys). So, slightly disappointed not to share the moment with the "big girl" of the house, my brother and I headed off for Nationals Park, shortly after first pitch. We were both a little quiet, and I was awkwardly aware that it had been 18 months since we last saw each other. Lots of fatherhood (including the birth of a second child) had occurred in the interval. Suddenly, Iwas not sure how to act around this grown man I knew as a boy.

The Brother in question is in the middle

My brother made me the man I am today. He came home from kindergarten with a piece of chalk and taught me to write my first words on a bit of plywood in our garage; ever since then, I've been fascinated with words and how to use them. He worked endlessly to be better in basketball and soccer and in doing so taught me to play hard, even if you don't have the talent to be the best; since then, I've always tried my hardest in sports and in life (despite having barely more strength than my aforementioned niece). He always seemed effervescently cool first in high school and then in college, but taught me that whatever that may look like it is nothing, nothing, compared to the happiness and elation that comes with falling in love first with your spouse/significant other and then with your children; now, I have found the same thing with my wife and look forward to having it with children (eventually).


So we were both a little bummed, not to have his daughter, my niece along with us. And though we agreed the crowded, bumpy, queasifying metro rails of Washington DC were not ideal for a toddler, we were still a little tired, and I was a little distant as we entered the park in the bottom of the fifth.

Two hot dogs, a couple sodas, a bag of peanuts, a dancing usher and one bizarre comment from drunken Nats fans nearby (apparently--in their minds--Kevin Correia is my friend, and his 6th inning strike reflects poorly on my worth as a human being) and we were back to what we always have been: brothers.

We laughingly imagined what outfielders were saying to each other (and pictured Jayson Werth having a John Popper tattoo, secretly wishing the post-game-Blues-Traveller concert would start already). We caught each other up on our favorite teams--distinguishing Eduardo Escobar from Pedro Florimon took a little work, as did mastering the Roger Bernadina shark chomp. He stood and cheered a slick double play in the eighth, while I politely nodded my approval. I anxiously chewed my fingernails as Perkins closed the game, and he had the decency not to jeer the action.

View from our seats (taken by a much better photographer than me)

The outcome of the game was really insignificant though. After 18 months we were together again and doing something we both loved. Watching a great game, laughing our butts off, and being brothers. There was sun in our faces, and there were hot dogs in our bellies. It would have been wonderful to share it all with a little one, but that time will come.

You don't need a plan to have a good time.

Wha' Happened #7 (V.s. Boston; @ Atlanta, Detroit & Milwaukee; V.s. Milwaukee & Seattle)

There was agony during the last two weeks of Twins baseball (including 7 straight losses to run a losing streak to 10) and ecstasy (including winning 6 of their last 7). The season continues tonight in Kansas City, but before you see that game, let's review what happened in the last few weeks.

Game 40
Red Sox 3 - Twins 2
Remember about a month ago, when we went into Boston and dominated the Red Sox to win 3 of 4? Turns out they didn't like that very much. And brought a rather curt "Don't Mess With Boston" attitude back to the Twin Cities.

Game 41
Red Sox 15  - Twins 2
Make that very curt.

Game 42
Red Sox 5 - Twins 1
Yup...Boston...don't mess with it...we get the message.

Game 43
Braves 5 - Twins 1
Hitting the road again, the Twins returned to Atlanta for the first time since the 1991 World Series. In a sign of true southern hospitality Braves fans' loudly and persistently whined about how Kent Hrbek's "T-Rex Tag" play in Game 2 stole the World Series from them (leaving aside the missed opportunities in the rest of that game and when they failed to clinch in Games 6 or 7).

So dumbfounded were the Twins and Kevin Correia (who only remembers loving Zubas in 1991) that they promptly lost the game.

You stay classy Braves...

Game 44
Braves 5 - Twins 4
Did you realize the Braves' still do the "Tomahawk Chop"...I mean...really...really? Really...Just yikes. I can only assume the Twins team was all so mad about that, that they couldn't focus on the game...and lost again.

Game 45
Braves 8 - Twins 3
Interesting factoid! Several of the Twins are avid students of history including Vance Worley. When he realized he would get to pitch in Atlanta, the final destination for General Sherman's march to the sea during the Civil War, Worley practically exploded with joy: "It's awesome! All that history! the end of the campaign that crippled the rebel forces! We should celebrate guys! We should...We should....WE SHOULD BURN THIS MOTHER DOWN!!"

Hearing this, Aaron Hicks made a simple suggestion: "You mean, play well, hit a couple homers and break our losing streak?"

Worley replied: "No! Let's keep this losing streak burning! Let's go down in a fiery blaze of glorious death! 8 RUNS IN THE FOUR INNINGS! HERE WE GO!!!"

Burn it down they did...and nowVance Worley will be able to continue his study of history in Rochester...hopefully he doesn't try to get to the ballpark by building an underground railroad...

Prince Fielder
Eater of Souls

Game 46
Tigers 6 - Twins 5
Trying to end their week plus schnide, Josh Willingham entered Comerica Park and proclaimed: "BY THE POWER OF ASGAARD, WE SHALL NOT LOSE AGAIN**" [Note that he punctuated his claim not with exclamation points but with a pair of home runs.]

However, Jared Burton does not believe in the Willinghammer or Norse Mythology (he prefers Celtic Lore, after all). And after ceding a double to tie the game, he was doomed when Prince Fielder announced: "BY THE POWER OF TOFURKEY, WE SHALL NOT LOSE!"

For those keeping score at home, it appears Tofurkey > Asgaard.

Game 47
Tigers 6 - Twins 0
At last! We were all able to witness the return of Samuel De-Dude-Bro. Who seemed so cool in the World Baseabll Classic, like he'd never ever hurt us...then came the second inning...and the third inning...and then the Twins were helpless against Anibal Sanchez and we lost our 10th game in a row.

Meanwhile, in the mind of Bert Blyleven, who insists on calling Sanchez "Anna-belle" the Tigers pitcher followed each strike out and inning-ending escape by fluttering her glove in front of her face and saying "I do declare!! These Minnesotans are terribly droll aren't they Colonel?" Presumably at some point Jim Leyland spat tobacco in front of Annabelle and she proclaimed "dear me! how terribly uncouth, Colonel! Behavior like that is simply intolerable!" Then Anna-belle huffily sat in a corner plotting our downfall and the resurrection of her Peach plantation. This concludes another installment of "The Anna-belle Sanchez Diaries" by Bert Aalbert Blyleven.

Game 48
Twins 3 - Tigers 2
True story, I didn't realize the Twins were playing the afternoon until the 7th when I told my wife Stinky aka Mrs. Peanut that we had a lead. Her response: "yeah...I'm not holding my breath". A good choice because we needed another hour to win the game. Sure we were happy to win a game for the first time in over a week, but I was happier still that my wife didn't pass out trying to prove a point.

Game 49
Tigers 6 - Twins 1
Ben Franklin once said: "guests and fish start to stink after three days", were he alive today he would likely say: "guests and fish start to stink after three days; Mike Pelfrey starts to stink three pitches after people think he might get through the sixth inning".

Game 50
Twins 6 - Brewers 3
On Memorial Day, our great and noble leader Chairman Joseph Mauer paid homage to the fallen by providing his own epic parade of run scoring. For as long as Minnesotans have toiled in the fields and the factories, the Chairman has watched and sought to repay that greatness with greatness of his own. So it was that each time the Chairman reached base he proceeded to circle all the bases with his customary precision and clarity of purpose to bring honor to Twins Territory.

Game 51
Twins 6 - Brewers 5
The annual Twins/Brewers sleep over at Miller Park was just so much durned fun that the Brewers did not want it to end, least of all, Carlos Gomez who recently discovered that it is just as much fun to hit the ball as it is to catch the ball. As he said to his old pal Justin Morneau: "I DON'T EVER WANT TO GO TO BED! LETS PLAY BASEBALL ALL THE TIME!! WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Luckily, Gardy heard the ruckus Carlos was causing and said that he would allow the Brewers to sleep over in Minnesota the next two nights. Gogo celebrated by jumping up and down cheering as his new BFF Aaron Hicks stole a home run, hit a home run and a ground rule double that lead to the game winning run in the fourteenth. Quoth the Gogo: "WHEEEEEEEE BASEBALL!!!!!!!"

Samuel DeDudeBro totally
has some wine coolers...

Game 52
Twins 4 - Brewers 1
In preparation for Grand Ol' Day that weekend, Samuel De-dude-bro prepared his best stuff to drop on the drunken honies, including classics like "did it hurt...when my curveball dropped right underneath your swing?" and "Hey baby, if you like my pitching you should see the way we hit it off" and finally: "'Sup?"

Deduno dominated the Brewers...no word yet on how he did with inebriates in St. Paul.


Game 53
Twins 8 - Brewers 6

Kyle Loshe (but not quite)

The Twins/Brewers sleepover came to an end with the return of Kyle Loshe to a Minnesota mound. Then everyone remembered what a tool Kyle Loshe was, and promptly extracted revenge, launching 3 home runs in 5 batters.

Additionally, Chris Parmelee continued his one man campaign to overwhelm the appeal of Wisconsin Cheddar by using his power hitting to emphasize the importance of Parmesan. Because what is better: oily greasy deep fried cheese curds, or a glorious eggplant parmesean? (...hmm...on second thought...)

Game 54
Mariners 3 - Twins 0
Once again the bionic pitching machine known as Mike Pelfrey broke down just after multiple Twins fans thought to themselves: "Hey Pelfrey might just make it!"

WRONG!

Game 55
Twins 5 - Mariners 4
Once upon a time there was a Twins catcher...no not the sideburn-ed one, the other one.

No not the feeble hitting back up, the other other one!

Pretty good weeks for Ryan Suave

Yes, that's the one: Ryan Doumit. Mr. Unbuttoned-Jersey. Mr. Sexy-And-I-Know-It. Mr. Sure-I'll-Ride-The-Bench-Catch-a-Couple-Days-Play-Right-Field-And-Keep-On-Hitting-Like-It-Ain't-No-Thang. (He'd make a terrible substitute teacher). And what did this man do of note you ask? Not much, just clear the bases with a triple and institute the first "Oh-my-god-the-Twins-won!" shared between random strangers since 2010.

Bravo Ryan Suave, Bravo!

Game 56
Twins 10 - Mariners 0
Dear Jeremy Bonderman,

We missed you. Come back soon!

Love,
The Twins

Mr. Peanut--Ryan Doumit (since going to Detroit, Doumit has had a Win Probability Added over 1.1--so he has given the Twins one more win than an average hitter in his same spot)
Nutty-Buddy--Mike Pelfrey (Please send all spare nuts and bolts to Scott Boras Labs to repair Mike Pelfrey)

Side Note: The school year ends on Friday, so hopefully I'll be able to post more regularly as of next week, but I'll also be travelling to Washington DC on Friday to take my 2 year old niece to her first baseball game when the Twins visit the Nationals. And to answer your question, yes, I will teach her to sing "Save Big Money" when Denard Span runs near by.

Adopt a Prospect II.2: Derestraining the Force Inside You

It's a frickin' monsoon out there little rainy today, and rather than stare hopefully at the FSN rain delay, hoping that the game restarts and the Twins suddenly remember the good ol' days of two weeks ago when they could crush the Red Sox as easily as a twig under a space ship, we decided to revisit our old pal Luis Perdomo!

Then we saw the statistics and remembered that Luis needs a motivation coach. So it's high time for lesson number two:

(This instruction was intended for Luis Perdomo only...following the Peanuts from Heaven De-Restraining a Force Inside You [DRAFIY] without specifically tailored guidance from a Peanuts From Heaven approved Force De-Restrainer may result in serious injury. Peanuts from Heaven is not liable for misinterpretations of their lessons...but please don't think this lesson is encouraging to remove your own appendix...that's crazy talk)

Lesson 2: When Life Hands You Lemons, See if You can't get Some Limes, Carbonated Water and High Fructose Corn Syrup to Make a Sugary Soft Drink!

Let's not lie, let's not sugar coat it, let's not pretend that your dog is one new coat of nail polish away from winning the Miss America Project. There will be some hard times in your life and career Luis, hard times like the last two weeks where you gave up a run in all but one of your six appearances. But what matters is not which problems you face, but what you do in response.

The Ultimate Goal

Other motivation coaches might tell you to turn those lemons into Lemonade, but those of us behind the De-Restraining a Force Inside You program, firmly believe that a new age calls for a new mindset. Why settle for Lemonade when you can have a Sugary Lemon-Lime flavored soft drink? After all, the lemonade might be refreshing, but only the soft-drink can be resold for tremendous profit and potential long term health consequences for your enemies!

So yeah, it's not great that you've given up more walks than strikeouts (7 to 6), or that you've given up about as many hits as runs (13 and 12). But what do we do, Luis? We take all those problems and we turn them into a strength for you! Now your opponents have come to mistakenly believe that they can hit whatever you throw up there, but when you unleash your flaming fireballs of doom then there will be no recourse left to them...and if you have no flaming fireballs of doom, you can always use a slider or change-up, then BOOM now the opposition is crippled by your diabetes inducing awesomeness!

Wha' Happened #6 (@Indians & Red Sox, V.s. Orioles & White Sox)

Rumors of our demise our greatly exaggerated. Rumors of the school year ending, our student teacher leaving and our work load increasing dramatically are absolutely accurate. Here now, a pseudo-recap of the weeks since the Twins last got a day off.

Game 27

Indians 7 - Twins 6

Long ago I first wrote about the magical Land of Cleve, a blighted kingdom where no team can win for long and where all the knights in the land eventually flee for other kingdom's with better salaries and dental packages.

But a strange thing happened in the last year. The Land of Cleve, they have rebounded, regained themselves and found a new King! King Terry the Lost who shockingly has found powerful knights throughout his kingdom (to complement the slightly quirky: Sir Kyrie who-Likes-to-Pretend-He's-an-Old-Guy-But-Really-Isn't.)

So it was with much confusion that the Territory of Twinnesota entered the land of Cleve for the first battle of the year, only to find that, rather than rolling over and begging for mercy (as they normally do) the resilient knights of King Terry the Lost, rebounded until Sir Drew of the Swollen Toes delivered the fatal blow to our hopes

[Wasn't that a lot more fun to read than just: "Drew Stubbs hit a walk-off..."]

Game 28

Indians 7 - Twins 3

Bad Correia!!

Kevin Correia pitched poorly! Let the indiscriminate blame and pointless recriminations BEGIN!!

Kevin Correia is directly responsible for the Twins loss in Cleveland, Joe Mauer's distraction from hitting, the repeated threat of snow in late April and May and the mailing of toxic ricin to political leaders.

Game 29

Twins 4 - Indians 2 

Let us take a moment to acknowledge the contributions of someone oft forgotten in my offense-centric recaps Glen Perkins aka The Dread Pirate Joe Nathan. (Remember, Perk adopted the intimidating name  to foil hitters. The real Dread Pirate Joe Nathan has been living like a King in Patagonia...or at least a Patagonia outlet store near Dallas)

Dread Pirate Joe Nathan v. 2.0

Sunday, with the Twins staked to a solid three run lead, The NEW Dread Pirate Joe Nathan entered the game determined to triumph in the most Dread Pirate-y way possible to wit: increasing the level of difficulty until his crew mates were convinced he was going to destroy them all...only to triumph at the last second. Following the lead off homer to left he bellowed "FAAARRRRGHARRAGH" [That's pirate for "good, now they have false hope"], then the hard stung single to right elicited an "AVARGH!!" ["Now I must defend my bounty of saves against the agents of the crown"], and when he settled down to end it all his triumphant "BLARGHERAGHERAGH!!!" [suck it Indians!] could be heard up and down the Cuyahoga.

Game 30

Red Sox 7 - Twins 6

Under careful scrutiny since St. Paul native/Twins Legend/Blue Jays Announcer/Walking Mustache Jack Morris accused him of using a substance on his shirt sleeve to throw a spitball, Boston starter Clay Buchholz attempted to throw suspicious parties off the scent of his duplicity by coating his sleeve in a different substance during the first inning.

That substance: suckitude!

And in an even greater sign of his criminal genius, Buchholz, swapped jerseys in between innings, so that one inning of giving up hits to the heart of the order [1st] and the bottom of the order [4th] (after applying copious amounts of suck to the ball) were balanced out by innings of dominance against the bottom [2nd] and heart [3rd] of the order.

Well played Buchholz, Well played.

(On a similar well played note, we were all so amazed at Joe Mauer's leaping catch of a relay throw home that we were brainwashed into assuming that he also applied the tag. Proving that no one plays it as well as Mauer does.)

I'd write more about the end of the game, but sometime around the 9th Red Sock wandering out of the batter's box and fouling off pitch after pitch to prolong the game, I decided that I should sleep...okay, I was put to sleep...which come to think of it is another genius strategem. CURSE YOU RED SOX!!

Game 31

Twins 6 - Red Sox 1

Full confession, I did not hear or watch one minute or second of this game. Instead I was with student-athletes at a track meet in Watertown which does not yet have a huge out-of-town-scoreboard (hint, hint local taxpayers!). But with 7 innings of shut-out ball, Scott Diamond is more than welcome to join the team I coach as an endurance instructor. (Back up Red Sox Third Baseman Pedro Ciracio is not allowed anywhere near the shot put, javelin or discus)

Game 32

Twins 15 - Red Sox 8

It was a thrilling trip to Boston, particularly for Aaron Hicks who made his Fenway Park debut. But just as Aaron was scared of "The Grimm" during the previous home stand, there was the awfully intimidating Green Monster out there in Left field. (I blame Hitting Coach Tom Brunansky's scary bedtime stories)

Fortunately there is one man who will always rescue our nation's children and worried rookies. He who personifies goodness and light, he who banishes fear and despair to the unfathomable void of the abyss beyond the stars. Yes our great and powerful chairman looked into the depths of the monster's eyes and slated the beast with his mighty bat of justice and truth (and also with the help of our mighty line-up which draws strength from the mere presence of his sideburns).

Rest easy young Hicks-y, for wherever our mighty Chairman resides no monster dares to tread.

Twins 33

Twins 5 - Red Sox 3

It's easy to make fun of rookies, they're young, they don't have a clearly defined personality. But one guy seems determined to stop me from making fun of him. That man? Oswaldo Arcia: the Blizzard of Oz!

How did our Blizzard Wizard triumph during his debut series at Fenway? By clobbering balls all over the yard. There are also unconfirmed reports of him shouting "Depulso!" to use a banishing charm on the two run shot that gave us a series victory over the "mighty" bean-towners. We here at Peanuts From Heaven will always encourage magic as a solution to life's problems...keep it up Oswaldo, keep it up.

Game 34

Orioles 9 - Twins 6

After all the triumphs in Boston, the Twins returned home to face another AL East team, and picked up right where they left off, battering an opposing pitcher just because they could.

But with all this natural awesomeness we neglected to discuss one important facet of the team: relief pitching. After-all, hitting is half the game, and really easy to romanticize; starting pitching talent is new and relatively amazing to Twins fans used to mind-numbingly bad starts; relief pitching...well...it's just part of the game, like the designated hitter and drunk guys.

Too much time feeling ignored and unloved can wear on you, and so [I imagine with absolutely zero proof] there was a discussion in the Twins pen between Josh Roenicke and Anthony Swarzak.

Roenicke: "Can you believe the blogosphere's ignoring use Anthony?"

Swarzak: "Swarzak!"

Roenicke: "I've gone more than an inning every game since April 4th! And you've only given up 3 walks all year!!"

Swarzak: "Swarzak!"

Roenicke: "Exactly! What's a guy got to do to earn a little gentle ribbing, a little joke that I sound like I should be a hockey player, or that I grew a soul patch because I was worried about whether or not I'd go to heaven"

Swarzak: "Swarzak!"

Roenicke: "Don't rub it in man...I know...I'll blow up randomly and then people will have to write about me...you in?"

Swarzak: [Cough...cough] "Sorry, I've had that cough of years now...yeah, sure let's do this.

So that happened, and we gave up the lead.

Game 35

Twins 8 - Orioles 5

It's funny but true...Vance Worley, arguably the most promising pitching acquisition the Twins made in the offseason, had gone winless since August of the previous year. Hmm, actually that's not so much funny as sad.

We got you Vanimal, we got you

This was most troubling for the heart of the Twins order, Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau. After all this was their very own Vanimal, and both were big fans. After all Doctor Teeth and the Electric Mayhem was a genuinely popular band in Canada, and Baby Vanimal (from the Muppet Babies) was a favorite of Baby Jesus)

Thus it was that the Twins' biggest boppers came to the rescue of another poor performance by the vanimal, cranking out six hits, and quite a bit of head banging in response to the Vanimal's demand that he needed more runs.

Game 36

Orioles 6 - Twins 0

For Mother's Day, Scott Diamond's mom asked for just one thing: "play nice with the other boys Scotty!"*

We applaud Mama Diamond for raising a fine upstanding athletic boy, and we're all for sportsmanship, but clearly this instruction ran contrary to pitching coach Rick Anderson's "NO MISSING THE PLATE! NO MERCY!!" instruction. In the end, the Orioles kind of owned Scott Diamond and the Twins lost the game, but it's kind of nice that Scott Diamond listened to his mom (but lets just save that for mother's day)

*Note, I can't decide if this excuse is any less absurd than the "Mother's day game ball is slightly different" Twins writers actually used

Game 37

Twins 10 - White Sox 3

A little more than a week ago, ESPN noted that Adam Dunn (the White Sox Designated Hitter) had the  2nd lowest batting average in the American League (thereby questioning the whole "hitter" part of the title "Designated Hitter"). The lowest? Twins Centerfielder Aaron Hicks.

As a result this series with the White Sox felt seriously like a good ol' fashioned show down between Hicks and Dunn to prove who was marginally less bad than the other. Sure we could crunch the stats of who really won, but why not review it like the three rounds of your typical old school brawler video games.

The first round went decidedly to Aaron Hicks who seemingly owned every aspect of Adam Dunn's game. Delivering a punishing Centerfield Bomb attack on his face, pulling an amazing reversal on Dunn's own Dinger Assault, and then delivering his signature finishing move the "oh-my-god-you-can-get-more-than-one-hit-in-a-game-it-might-as-well-be another-home-run".

Game 38

Lets watch it again...and again...

White Sox 4 - Twins 2

In order to get back at Aaron Hicks decisive first round KO Adam Dunn resorted to the defense of all desperate video gamers: Mashing buttons on the controller indiscriminately hoping that things turn out okay. 

Sadly it worked, geting a cheesy, bottom-of-the-health-bar, lucky shot victory (what with the home run to Hicks' o-fer.)

Game 39

White Sox 9 - Twins 5

Before the last round of the fight [or game of the series if you prefer], Aaron Hicks pressed pause to go to the bathroom and get a Dr. Pepper.

Then Adam Dunn unpaused it, demolishing a blithely bopping on his heels Aaron Hicks with a pair of Dinger Assaults, as if that somehow proved that he was a better gamer than Hicks. When Hicks came back, Dunn stood up muttered something about "really gotta get home, my parents and lawn mowing and indiscriminate mumbling" grabbed a full bag of Doritos and a Dr. Pepper and took off.

So congrats Adam Dunn, you won this round...but Aaron Hicks will be back. Oh yes, he will be back.

Mr. Peanut for the last two weeks: Oswaldo Arcia (if only to stop festooning Joe Mauer with these trophies)

Nutty Buddy for the last two weeks: Pedro Hernandez/Casey Fien (they haven't been bad, but they sure haven't helped much)